Hello Readers! It's been a while! So, here's a random post because I thought it was about time to write something! Hope you like it. Sorry for a kind of a depressing post for 2018. But, honestly, does it matter?
Again, it's strictly fictional!
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Dear Diary,
I
had a dream this morning. I was with someone. A guy. A kind, understanding
& tall guy. No one I know from my life & by now, he has just become a
smiling person who maybe cared for me. In this dream, we were in the back seat
of a cab. I think we both were tired or maybe I was crying. I'm not sure. It
was definitely something on the negative note. But, then he leans his head on
my shoulder, which is weird because me being shorter than him, it could only
cause him back pain. But, he did it anyway. In the 'before', I'd have leaned my
head on his, but I didn't. Probably my subconscious was still awake and telling
me how to not trust men even if it's a dream. So, I didn't. But, then my face
became wet with tears and I don't even know what was the reason. And,
impulsively, I touched my hand to his. I think somewhere he knew about all my
issues. It felt like he knew me in and out. So, he went ahead and held my hand.
It was so perfect sitting there with this faceless, kind, understanding and
tall man with our hands intertwined. It was perfect for a moment and then I
woke up.
Yes,
I woke up. And of course, I started crying first thing on a Sunday morning. And
this time I knew why I was crying. I cried because that moment in my dream;
that 'perfect moment' was only going to exist in my dreams and never in real
life. I felt in every cell of my body how much I wanted it. I remembered how I
felt. And I knew that this feeling wasn't real and would never be for me. There
aren't men like that faceless, kind, understanding & tall man and there are
too many trust & intimacy issues with me and the world. That feeling in the
dream was going to stay there because all my hopes of it becoming real someday
are far gone. I'm too far gone.
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