Traumatised. (Monday Moments #92)

          She woke up screaming and shouting, only to realise that she had the same nightmare again. It was the same thing again and again and again. Even though it had been 7 months since she survived the airplane crash, it wasn't easy. It could never be easy for her. Being the sole survivor, comes with the survivor's guilt, no matter whether right or wrong. She tried to calm herself down for the next 10 minutes. She glanced at the poster that hung in front of her bed that read, "Everything is going to be okay." She kept saying those words back to herself until they sunk in. She stood up and checked that all doors were locked and windows closed. She went to the hall and she saw that the arrangements on the coffee table were different. Did she change those and couldn't remember? Or someone else was in her home? Or was she sleep-walking again? At that instant, she heard her maid come in and she was aghast by her rapid entrance in the room. Only a while later did she realise that she had been yelling with her eyes closed and hands over her head and sitting in the middle of the room crying. Her maid helped her and tried to relax her with some anti-depressants. She kept saying those words back to herself;

"Everything is going to be okay...

Everything is going to be okay...

Everything is going to be okay..."

          She got through the day somehow; crying, vanishing, surviving, living. At some moments, she felt like she had nothing left in her life because all the people close to her had died. At some moments, she felt like she should've died too because living this life felt meaningless. At some moments, she wanted to get her wings back because the wanderlust girl was trapped in the walls of her own frail body and anxious mind and empty soul. At some moments, she just wanted to go back in time and cancel the airplane tickets and go to her destination wedding by train with all her relatives and her fiancé. At some moments, she wanted to sneak to heaven to say goodbye to them all while at sometimes she just wanted to rot in hell. But, at all moments during her life, she felt like she was disappearing. Disappearing from the face of earth. Disappearing from everyone's lives. Disappearing from her own self. Just, lost.

(‘Monday Moments’ is a blog series wherein I write about an incident or a moment in a short paragraph. It’s not a story, but just a short description to express and explore the most common joys and also the uncommon miseries.)