Loving Someone Who Can Never Be Yours. (Monday Moments #89)

          The day he first saw her, he knew she was a deeply happy person. The kind who dressed in bright colours with a constant smile. The kind whose eyes easily let out her emotions. The kind who carried herself confidently. The kind who never feared to make eye contact with strangers. The kind who knew how to fly and make others fly with her. He knew she was going to create a thunderstorm in his life. The day they met, they talked to each other and became friends. Soon enough he understood that she was committed. Usually, if you know this tiny detail at the beginning, it is easier to detach or refrain from having any feelings for the other person. But, in his case, those feelings just grew. He was sad for himself but he was happy for her. Because her love story was so amazing and pure that it made him realize what love looked like in real life. Every day he spent with her, he was more himself. He loved that she understood him like no one else did. He loved that she argued with him on many inconsequential things. He loved how sorted her life was and how clear her goals were. He loved everything about her. He was in love with her. Beyond all reason and logic, he fell in love with her. She indeed created a thunderstorm in his life.

For an intelligent man like him, it was unusual for something like this to happen to him. But, we can't help who we fall in love with. And so, he had decided. It was okay to love her. It was okay to love her even though she would eventually marry someone else. It was okay to love her even though she would never feel the same way for him. It was okay because his unrequited love had given him everything he didn't have before. Because of this unrequited love, he could feel happiness, he could understand himself on a different level and somehow it made him value himself more. He knew that theirs wasn't a love story or something of a love triangle and he was okay with that. Because, just sometimes, when you find your soulmate, even if they can’t be your life partners, you sure as hell can’t let them out of your life. So, yes, it's okay if you love that person that can never be yours.

(‘Monday Moments’ is a blog series wherein I write about an incident or a moment in a short paragraph. It’s not a story, but just a short description to express and explore the most common joys and also the uncommon miseries.)

Professional Life Over Personal Life? (Monday Moments #88)

          Cristina, an architect, spent 6 days a week working on a new project. Just like every other project, it was taxing and left her exhausted. In architecture, the early days where the main blueprint and design is to be prepared is the vital part and also the most challenging. She spent her life building homes for strangers while she herself lived in a rented apartment. She loved her job but just sometimes she would get lonely.

          Meredith, an HR Executive, spent 6 days a week working for an MNC. Being into recruitment, her job was to find right person for the right job. She would ask which job location they preferred, how much salary they expected, what was their experience. She would also ask about their family background, at times. She gave jobs to people where ever they wanted while she was tied down at one place. She would hire them at such a high salary which she might never earn for years. She gave people things which she didn't have herself. She loved her job but just sometimes she would get lonely.

          Isobel, a surgeon, worked 70 hours a week. Sometimes she would have 48-hour shifts while some times night shifts and at times she was called in because some drastic casualty lead to multiple patients. Being a 4th year resident interested in neurology, she had to be on top of her game. She had to log on the hours in the operation room and also had to study for the boards. She cared for her patients like they were her family and friends. It was funny how she looked after them so much but at the end of the day, they'd thank her and leave. She loved her job but just sometimes she would get lonely.

          On a Sunday night, Cristina, Meredith and Isobel were having pizza and beer in their tiny apartment. These three workaholic roommates only spent Sunday evenings together. In common, they had no social life and so they had found peace at their jobs. Cristina knew that at the end of the day, she'd build a beautiful bungalow for a family, which she'll never have. Meredith knew that at the end of the day, she'd give the perfect job with perks and incentives to candidates, which she'll never get. Isobel knew that at the end of the day, all the patients she cared for would go back to their lives, which she did not have. In the race of being the best in their profession, they forgot about their personal lives. After all, the family in the new bungalow or that new employee or that patient won't be there for them even when they burned sweat and blood for them. That's because personal life triumphs over professional life.

(‘Monday Moments’ is a blog series wherein I write about an incident or a moment in a short paragraph. It’s not a story, but just a short description to express and explore the most common joys and also the uncommon miseries.)

Changing Priorities. (Monday Moments #87)

          Within a span of a year, his priorities changed frequently and consistently. When he was in a dead-end relationship, he loved her more than he ever had before. She was his priority and nothing else mattered. But, then she left him. Although, he was emotionally damaged, he tried to focus on his new job. After a few months, his priority became his career. He wanted to achieve something and prove himself. But, the reason behind this thrive was mislead. This is why his job became monotonous for him. He became really good friends with a girl who understood him more than he did himself. But, at that time, he ignored her and prioritized his friends. He also told her how he had to focus on his career when he clearly wasn't doing that either. Then, the friends who were his priority left him. Then he realised he should've held on to the girl who loved him. And now that he wanted to prioritize his relationship, she was long gone.

When he should've prioritized his career, he prioritized his meaningless relationship.

When he should've prioritized his friends, he prioritized his boring job.

When he should've prioritized his true relationship, he prioritized his fake friends.

When he should've prioritized himself, he let all others walk over him and let go of the one person who actually cared.

Maybe that's why, you should just keep yourself as a priority rather than being others'.

(‘Monday Moments’ is a blog series wherein I write about an incident or a moment in a short paragraph. It’s not a story, but just a short description to express and explore the most common joys and also the uncommon miseries.)

Disconnected. (Monday Moments #86)

          She had a few groups of friends; school mates, college mates, constant friends and a couple of new friends. She used to hang out with them from time to time. She had a different equation with each one of them and her own style changed as per the group she was with. With her school friends, she somehow became an intellectual who used big words and talked about how she was still pursuing her dream. With her college friends, she became a person obsessed with movies, TV serials, singers and bands. With her constant friends, she felt free. She didn't have to think twice before saying anything. And finally, with her new friends, she was still discovering who she was and realised she could be crazy, smart and emotional at the same time.

          No matter what, she always loved her friends. She would always take their advice on important matters. But, when she met her school friends a couple of years ago, she felt lost. She found their discussions and gossips utterly boring. They had changed over time but they still liked to talk about childish things that didn't matter. She felt disconnected.

          She met her college friends about 8 months ago, she felt lost. They only talked about things like fashion, who's dating whom, who broke up with whom and all the who's who of human crap. She felt disconnected.

         Along the past few months, she met her constant friends almost every week. But, somehow, they felt distant too. They had started to judge her decisions and instead of standing by her during tough times, they were too busy with their own lives. She felt disconnected.

          And when she only had her couple of new friends left, she knew that nothing could ever happen between them. She knew they would never leave. But, then, they were having dinner one night, and she had nothing to say. She got bored. She felt disconnected.

          As she walked home alone that night, she was lost in the vortex of her intense thoughts. She couldn't figure out how she could feel so disconnected with all of her close friends. She couldn't understand if it was something she did or how she behaved. She wondered whether she felt disconnected with all the close people in her life because she was disconnected with herself. Did she need to connect with herself first in order to connect with others? Or was she so peaceful being alone, that the company of others had become unbearable? If she enjoyed solitude, was that the reason everyone kept leaving her? She was just lost in her thoughts.  She knew, whatever happened, at the end of the day, she had to take the walk alone.

(‘Monday Moments’ is a blog series wherein I write about an incident or a moment in a short paragraph. It’s not a story, but just a short description to express and explore the most common joys and also the uncommon miseries.)

2016, Glad You're Over. (Monday Moments #85)

          "What a crappy year it has been! For the past 22 years, every year flew with its extreme amounts of normalcy. No adventures and no thrills. But those routine years somehow feel better than the roller coaster that 2016 was.  I remember thinking at the end of last year how 2016 would be my year but at that time I had really solid reasons for believing so. And all those expectations lead nowhere. They were just fantasized high hopes that I had in my head. It was a time when I was optimistic. Usually, in a wide span of 366 days, it's not entirely possible for all these days to go horrible. But, according to my little list of all the misfortunes in 2016, it turns out that it is quite easily possible. Apart from 2 days (my birthday and the day I took a solo trip), all other days sucked. 

          2016, for me, summed up includes a horrible trip, rough patches at college, a few bad choices of jobs, couple of accidents, health issues, restrictions from family, more downs than ups in love life and lastly losing temporary people but also close friends. The result of all of this was me becoming a pessimist, starting to use humor as a defense mechanism, increased social anxiety, multiple escape mechanisms, excessive drinking, loneliness and the huge load of trust issues. It was the year I changed from a robot to a human. And what good it did me? I'm a living mess of emotional crap waiting for a call/message while eating unhealthy things as I sit on the couch because of my fractured leg whilst I contemplate how useless 2016 was.

          After such a drastic year, I know how I have changed. I'm smart enough to understand the changing things. Firstly, I have become pessimistic. And I don't think it's a bad thing. It's necessary to consider all the negative things. And to be honest, there's maximum negativity around. So being a pessimist actually works. Hopes and expectations should remain locked in the dungeons while practicality takes root. Then, I have many trust issues. Yes, I have become that rude person again who says to people's faces that I don't trust them. But, this icy exterior is essential to protect the mellow interior. This year was literally the year of losing people. It is not even about understanding the real ones because the real ones have also changed over time. People I met 1/2 years ago have become closer than the people I knew since 10 to 15 years. I love them. I just don't like them anymore. And I think it's just not worth it. Time spent with them isn't fun anymore and it passes by slower than in a lecture. So, yeah, because of my own choice, I have left them. I have just a few friends now; the ones I can count on the fingers of one hand.

          I don't have any expectations or resolutions for the new year. 2017 can suck as much as 2016 or more or it cannot. It really won't matter because I'll be better at facing life. I'll know better than to trust people. I'll know better than to get attached. I'll know better than to gossip. I'll know better. In a way, all the hardships that 2016 has created, it has made me think clearly. Now, my only goal is to concentrate on my career, study hard, read as much as I can, keep family happy, give time to true friends, forget about stupid love life and concentrate on myself. It sounds cliché because it is. Everyone has to go through something tragic in order to become a person with such goals. So, yeah, I'm just a cliché until I'll be not. Till then, hang in there."

-Last Page of 2016.

(‘Monday Moments’ is a blog series wherein I write about an incident or a moment in a short paragraph. It’s not a story, but just a short description to express and explore the most common joys and also the uncommon miseries.)